I rode my bike to Copenhagen!

I rode my bike to Copenhagen!

What the hell did I just say?

Did we just read that right?

I rode my bike to Copenhagen? Who’s dumb ass idea was that?

I’m fairly certain that my death will come on the other end of some brilliant idea, like,

“Swimming across the Atlantic? YEAH! Sounds like a wonderful idea!”

So first and foremost a toast, to the woman who wrote the blog about riding the Berlin to Copenhagen bike path in four days by “casually doing a hundred kilometers a day.”

LIAR!

First off, there’s nothing casual about doing a hundred kilometers a day. Unless your in a car of course, and secondly, even if you did a hundred a day, you still couldn’t have possibly made it in four days because it turns out the whole bike route is ACTUALY 650 kilometers NOT INCLUDING THE FERRY.

So once again, thank you Internet for providing the world with a great platform for tons of misinformation.

Here’s a fact you’re reading on the Internet right now that’s true. NOT EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS A FACT!

But I believed it. Duh.

So when I saw the Berlin to Copenhagen bike route was 650 kilometers, I thought it meant the route there AND BACK!

DUH!

Oh my god. The pedaling. The endless pedaling. Keep pedaling.

Next time I pedal this much it’ll be in a gym, where I can watch woman on the stair master machine.

When I’m at the gym I call the stair master the stare master.

KEEP PEDALING DAMMIT!

Just imagine the longest bike ride you’ve ever been on, then times that by infinity, and there you have it, the bike ride from Berlin to Copenhagen, just two hours in.

And not a McDonalds in sight!

Nothing but endless views of nothing.

And more nothing.

And some more nothing!

How much of this country bumpkin bullshit do we need?

How am I supposed to ride this long without a Big Mac?

I’m not lovin it.

I would kill a Saudi Arabian prince for some gasoline.

To drink, of course. End the misery.

And speaking of drinking, shout out to Red Bull.

Great job of not having a single Red Bull machine on the entire route of the Berlin to Copenhagen bike path.

You claim you sponsor extreme sports? What’s more extreme than riding a unbalanced bike across a border?

I don’t give a fuck about Red Bull actually I just wanted the wings.

WINGS!

My god, praise the inventor of the airplane. WOW! The airplane! What a great invention. Thank you guy who invented the airplane, I love you. I would blow your corpse right now.

Don’t get me wrong, at times the trip was EPIC, like having this entire beach to ourselves.

And jumping in naked, in Denmark on a beach all alone was sweet, but it also epitomized the entire trip, because as I ran out into the water and got about balls deep, I stopped, poised to dive in and as I looked down into the crystal clear lagoon type of water I realized I was SURROUNDED BY JELLYFISH!

YAY!

There were hundreds of jellyfish all around me including an amazingly huge jellyfish that was the size of a small child.

I bobbed and weaved and finally gave up and just ran like hell kicking my feet in fear and luckily didn’t get stung, at least not physically.

The greatest part of the trip was when we cruised two hundred kilometers in two hours!

The other really amazing part of the trip that kind of summarized everything was when we returned to Berlin last night, and while waiting for a falafel and blowing my nose, because of course I got sick at some point, some young German kid punched me in the back of the head!

AWESOME!

I thought it was some weird accident, as I looked up, half shocked at getting knocked in the back of my head, only to see three guys pulling some kid away from me yelling, “Come here! Come here!” in German.

I was shocked and said, “Me? Really?”

To which he insisted, “Yeah, Come here!” As his friends dragged him to the train to take him back to the suburbs he came from.

Yeah.

Welcome home!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s