Alright, alright.

First off, apologies for using such a played out word like hipsters, but I wanted to get your attention and offer you some advice on what you should do with this rentable store front in Berlin, and look, it worked, here you are once again reading something absolutely not connected to whatever it is you’re supposed to be getting paid for at this particular time.

You are getting paid right now I hope.

My God, to think you might be reading this waste of the time space continuum while on your own free time just horrifies me.

Anyway, this week I have actual advice for anyone living in Berlin thinking about renting one of the many overly expensive store fronts in one of the four neighborhoods someone reading this right now might be living in.

If you are planning on making a business maneuver, please allow me two minutes of your soon to be precious time and let me recommend to you nicely, to pretty please with sugar on top…..

1. DO NOT OPEN A CAFÉ.

Go fuck yourself café people. I’m over you stupid New Zealand, American, Spanish idiots who think you can come into a foreign country and teach people how to make great coffee while raising the price a euro every three days because that’s how Starbucks taught the world it should be done.

We’re not stupid. This is Europe. We don’t need you. There’s good coffee on every block here. Go away. You’re lazy and unimaginative.

2. DO NOT OPEN A RECORD STORE OR A BOOK STORE.

I know it’s always been your dream, but give it up. I see book stores come and go and pass a new record store everyday that eventually turns into a café which is a violation of two rules.

Get over it. The Internet has stuck its cyber willy into your dream and has fucked it to death.

3. DO NOT OPEN A JEWERLY/ HIPPY STUFF/ SPIRITUAL STORE.

This is just as obvious as the three dreads on the back of your head. No one needs astrology charts. Go fuck yourself.

NOW…..

Time for the good news, because there is a plan in place and if you wanna be a true hero to all people in Berlin, what you need to do is…….

OPEN A FUCKIN ALL NIGHT DOUGHNUT PLACE EXACTLY LIKE BOB’S DONUTS IN SAN FRANCISCO!!!!

SERIOUSLY BERLIN!

YOU CALL THOSE CRAPPY THINGS YOU’RE SERVING DONUTS??

THIS RIGHT HERE IS A FUCKIN DONUT!

And stop charging two euros a donut. No one’s getting fat on two euro donuts. Fuck that. They need to be two euros a dozen. And bigger, and more sugar and fried by an old Asian woman smoking a cigarette, and 24 fuckin hours and ready to rock, and totally open right next to my house so I can go get a doughnut whenever there’s a hot girl who needs a fix!

Because donuts equals hot sexy threesomes.

TRUST ME!