My homemade Russian prison tattoo machine.

My homemade Russian prison tattoo machine.

That’s right my friends. It’s tattoo time.

Tattoos are in style right now and I’m sure you’re as mad as I am as too how acceptable and mainstream tattoos have become.

Tattoo’s are a fashion statement now.

Remember when tattoos were scary? I do.

I thought, maybe I’ll get a tattoo on my hand, or on my neck. That’ll shock people, right?

Nope. Fashion statement.

I thought, maybe I’ll get a tattoo of middle fingers on my neck. That’ll shock people, right?

Nope. Fashion statement.

I thought, Surely if I get my entire face tattooed like the face of a skull, that would certainly shock people into next millennium and there’s no way I could be an international model making tons of money, right?

I know, this is painful.

You see, that’s the problem. Tattooing has become so refined, and so good and so controlled, it’s almost like the entire myth of tattoos and what getting a tattoo means has disappeared into some overly trendy, over priced, comfortable tattoo shop, with young, hip, friendly people working there, just giving anyone with a fresh hundred dollar bill any tattoo they want.


Well, I’ve got the answer to all the worlds punk rock problems right here my friends. No longer will you have to worry about shocking people with a tattoo anymore because now, with my homemade, Russian prison style tattoo machine, we can take back tattooing into the sketchy, underbelly, dangerous and painful world of fear it belongs in.

That’s right. Who’s down?

Fuck an owl, or a perfectly filled in dragon that costs you one thousand dollars. That aint scary.

You want somethin scary? Let me just tattoo the word killer across your forearm with my homemade Russian prison tattoo machine and you will earn instant respect in ANY hipster neighborhood.

Not only that, I’ll respect you, because one look at this machine and you’ll be like,

“WAIT, is that a guitar string?”

Yes, it is a guitar string, because this shit has to hurt. And instead of tattoo ink, I’ll be using india ink, or the ink from a ballpoint pen, or if you really got what it takes, I’ll burn the sole of a boot and make ink by mixing the ashes with piss and toilet water.

That’s a fuckin tattoo.

No pain, no gain, right?

And no fear of hepatitis, no gain. I’m sick of these pussy tattoo artists crying about guys like me tattooing people’s forearms in living rooms. Fuck that. If bikers can tattoo each other on the way to Mardi Gras, I can tattoo someone with my homemade Russian prison tattoo machine where ever the fuck double A batteries can be found.

What you’re really tryin to say is,

“Hey man, don’t do that, because if you do that, I won’t be able to charge people one thousand dollars for dragons anymore.”

Tough tits, sellout.

And who gives a shit what it looks like? So what, it’s not gonna be as nice as a one thousand dollar dragon. It’s all about the vibe when people see it, and when people see it, they will certainly have the vibe of,

“holy shit, is this dude all there? What the fuck does that say on his forearm? Is that a tattoo or gangrene infection, jesus, this dude is fuckin hardcore.”

Tattoo’s aren’t some fashion statement for hip clean cut white kids to flex. I feel like half the time I see some little 20 year old white kid with a neck tattoo, all I see is,

“Hey, look at me, look how hardcore I am, until I pay to get my tattoo electronically removed because I’m rich and white and can do this now, clean up and still run my fathers oil company in ten years.”

You aint foolin anyone. You aint hard playin words with friends on the L train.

If you were a real G, you would be calling me, and saying,

“Hey MF, I want KILLER written across my forearm, and I want you to do it with your homemade Russian prison tattoo machine. And if you do it today I won’t kill you and rape your dead body, you little pansy bitch.”

YES! THAT’S hardcore.

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