Eat your heart out Charlie Sheen, who’s winning tonight?

That’s right. I AM!

And since this is my first ever comedy prize I thought it would be the least I could do to offer up an acceptance speech and say a thank you or two, I mean, I won for god’s sake, it’s not a small time thing.

This isn’t some measly third place in the Quatch comedy club talent scmiede, or second place in the Trier comedy slam, and it’s certainly not last place in the game of life.

This is the winner takes all champion and owner of the very prestigious Golden Gemuse Award.

So now, cue the music and imagine me walking proudly down the aisle in my tuxedo, and up onto the stage, of the O2 Arena or better yet, the Admirals Pallast, where yes, I have performed to a crowd of 1700.

It’s all cheers as I take the award from the two beautiful modern actresses who I don’t even know, because I’m so out of touch, but boy, are they hot, and speaking of touching, one of them grazes her boob gently across my hand as she’s handing me the Golden Gemuse Comedy Award.

WHOOO WEEEEE. I LOVE WINNING!

And then it’s time. Yes it is folks. As the crowd roars, in awe of a great comedian, and more realistically a great human, it’s time for my acceptance speech.

“Thank you. Thank you. Please. Please. I can’t even speak right now.

Wow. What can I say, honestly? I mean, What can I say over the roar of the crowd. Please.

Keep it down. Please.

Thank you.

I’d like to start by thanking anyone and everyone that ever picked on me in high school. Seriously. Thank you. The guy who stuffed me in the locker in tenth grade because I didn’t do the Irish jig. The guy who used to chase me home from school everyday, but never really ran full speed, just fast enough to be breathing down my neck, and scaring the crap out of me. To the guy who used to pay to take me to the movies, just to spit popcorn at me, and pretended to be my good friend, just to have someone to constantly beat up on. To the kids who called me “Professor Dad” once they found out my full name was David Anthony Deery and my initials were DAD. To all the guys who ran me over on the football field, or out hit me in baseball or best of all, whooped my ass in wrestling, only to make it the highlight of their lives for the whole fuckin school year. To the guys in my Junior year, who hated me and constantly talked shit about me because I had a car and could drive to school because of some computer mistake. It wasn’t really my fault, but you made it my fault. To all the bullies. The Catholic school kids who called me Jew boy, or the public school kids who called me Jew boy, or even myself who called me Jew boy.

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
You made me who I am today.

And what am I?

Good question.

Am I an egomaniac as some people suggest? Am I?
Am I an egomaniac? Me?

Really?

Why, because for once in my life I’m half way decent at something? Am I an egomaniac because I love what I do? Am I? Is that egotistical? Is it egotistical to be confident? Is it egotistical to try? To want to get better? To enjoy sharing with people and to love making people laugh? Is it egomaniacal to not worry about the money that doesn’t even exist in stand up comedy in Berlin? Is that what makes me egotistical? That I won’t do certain shows because I think those people care to much about money and glory then they do about making a decent comedy show? Caring about quality makes me an egomaniac? Just wanting things to be good for everyone makes me an egomaniac?

Because quite honestly, if that’s egotistical, then it’s true. I must be an egomaniac.
Feel free to call me an egomaniacal asshole right to my face.

And honestly, I gotta take this time to thank the people calling me an egomaniac as well. The people calling me an egomaniac, and an asshole and whatever other terms come out of peoples peepholes behind my back.

Thank you.

You motivate me to get better. And trust me, I will get better, and I will be funnier, and I will make people laugh, because that’s what I like to do.

And now, it’s kind of personal.

And oh yeah, I also like winning Golden Gemuse Awards! So once again,

THANK YOU!