What’s wrong with me?
Seriously. Serious question.
Why do I hate everyone so much?
I was just at the store, buying things for breakfast. Just browsing the cheese section, enjoying my life. Enjoying the small things of living in Europe, like deciding on whether I want to purchase very affordable goat cheese, or very affordable Danish cheese, or a pack of affordable mixed cheeses, or affordable French cheese?
Affordable cheese choices are one of the few things still left to enjoy in Berlin.
Then, suddenly, there was this couple standing next to me.
All, cheery, and touchy feely, and young. They reeked of inexperience, and both had this annoying, kind of Burning Man, Fusion Festival, bullshit pseudo hippy style.
I already hated them, and then they started speaking.
“What should we get? You want cheese?” She said, hugging him, rubbing his back, smiling, eyes sparkling, still beaming from their early morning love making.
“I don’t care. What do you want?”
“Well, what do you want?”
Giggle. Laugh. Back rub. Happy happy happy, and all I can think is,
“Why don’t you assholes eat razor blades?”
Nothing annoys me like young love. They probably met last week. I just wanna fast forward to three weeks from now when she’s laying in some other guys bed, after getting drunk and she’s telling the guy, “No, stop, I have a boyfriend, we shouldn’t do this” as he unhooks her bra.
Keep that shit to yourselves.
I grabbed my goat cheese and bounced, but it didn’t take me long to get upset again.
I’m picking out a cucumber, in the fruit and vegetable section, when this old couple comes waltzing through, old lady almost running me over with her cart.
Jesus, are you blind lady? Are you? Oh, you’re 87% blind, 13% retarded? OK. Fair deal.
But then her husband, a frail, 75-80 year old guy, just starts coughing. Which, of course, would normally be no biggie, if say, this old ass bag of bones would cover his fuckin mouth.
But no. Not today. This lump of sagging flesh is just hacking away, aimed right at the tomatoes, and grapes, and he’s just walking along, LITERALLY turning his head toward the veggies, just shooting his essence all over the fuckin food.
The guy was like a sprinkler system. He was watering the fruits and veg.
HACK HACK HACK HACK >>>shift<<< HACK HACK HACK HACK >>>>shift<<<<<
Now, I know. I know. I know what you’re thinking. Your thinking,
“But David, shouldn’t you wash your fruits and vegetables anyway?”
THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT!
See? See that?
That’s what I mean, EVERYONE is pissing me off.
Not only was I thinking “There you go grandpa, keep coughing, hopefully you’ll cough up a fucking lung and die” but now, I’m actually getting mad at you guys, for not understanding that I was mad at an old man, and now I’m wishing death on you people, who are nice enough to even listen to me in the first place, and have now officially wasted god knows how many moments of your life, even reading this bullshit.
THIS SHIT PISSES ME OFF!