I’m really trying hard.

I am. I’m trying. I pray into my fitted cap for God to give me the streanghth to not be a grumpy old fart, and just be thankful for a good show, and to see a legend like Redman AGAIN, but then I realize that,

One. God is a make believe concept, for people who are too afraid to accept their own doings, AND

Two. What the hell is streanghth?

OK. OK.

POSITIVE. Just focus on the positive.

THANK YOU CONVERSE for the Redman concert.

Redman was awesome. Of course I’ve seen him two other times, at legitimate Redman concerts, where people, like me, actually know who he is and own Muddy Waters, and so on; and sometimes, paying for things is better because then people ACTUALLY appreciate it and want it and don’t just show up because there’s free drinks, and there’s nothing better to do, because the drinks are free and why not, who doesn’t love free drinks? But seriously, thank you CONVERSE, because it was at your Redman concert, with your super cool guest list of awesome special important people, and the free drinks, where I saw the best Redman moment anyone could ask for, when Redman, The Funk Doctor Spock, was finished giving his 100% and he was set to finish it off with The Rocwilder, which, by the way, I saw with Method Man at Hip Hop Kemp in front of like 10,000 people and it was INSANE, but anyway, last night, when he was ready to deliver the beat down of the last hit of the night, he asked the crowd,

“Y’ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?”

CHEERS! SCREAMING! WHITE PEOPLE HOLDING FREE BEERS UP!

“I’M ABOUT TO FINISH THIS OFF PROPER! BUT YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT! Y’ALL KNOW METHOD MAN’S LYRICS TO THIS SHIT?”

MORE CHEERS! MORE SCREAMING! PEOPLE LOSING THEIR MINDS!

“Y’ALL GONNA SING ALONG?”

WAVE OF MASSIVE CHEERS! ACKNOWLEDGEMENT! YES! YES! YES, WE ARE!

And in dropped that beat….. You know the one…. Or, actually, maybe you don’t……

And I was like,

“Microphone checker……”

While everyone else just kind of looked around at each other, and Redman held out the mic and LOOKED INTO PEOPLES EYES, hopeful.

He dropped a…..

“It’s the mister method, for sheezy…..”

And looked. And held out the mic, HOPEFUL…..

BUT…….

NO ONE KNEW A SINGLE WORD?

No one could fake it. There was an ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!

And the elephant was taking a shit on Redman, and all I could think was…

DAMN! THIS is the true definition of fremdschäm.

It was fremdschäm for a second, then schadenfreude the next, because I was laughing my ass off. The only thing funnier would have been if Cool “Disco” Dan ran up in the amazing street art event and robbed everyone blind, screaming,

“YOU WANT SOME FUCKIN STREET SHIT? YOU WANT SOME STREET SHIT?”

STAB. STAB. STAB.

And then he would roll out, with his pockets full of cash, and his backpack full of free drinks, and him and Redman would just cruise through Berlin, tagging, on the streets,

WHERE GRAFFITI BELONGS, and they would be singing some Chuck Brown, or Trouble Funk, because they know the history, and aren’t just trying to buy their way into being cool.

You Companies are like rich kids who get into hip hop and suddenly buy like 30 fitted caps, and 20 pairs of exclusive sneakers and don’t know shit about who the fuck Kool G Rap is.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m gonna go skate the little skatepark you paid my friends to build. That shit’s tight, but it aint gonna make me buy a pair of your skate shoes.

Converse makes skate shoes? HUH?

It was hilarious at the party. I grabbed my friend, who works for Lakai, I MEAN, you know Lakai obviously, right, the skater-run, skate shoe company?

Berlin’s own Sylvain Tognelli busts a move in those shoes!

Anyway, I said to him,

“I know who works for Converse at this Converse party. They’re the only people wearing Converse at this Converse party.”

He laughed, because it was true.

Not sure how many MILLIONS of dollars you’re spending on this whole,

“Shoes are boring” campaign, but if you ask me, there’s nothing more boring than companies trying to buy their way into cool points because they read the Tipping Point.

Nice try Converse. You were cooler when punks and dirty vagrants wore your basketball shoes and you had no influence on it.

Now, you’re just trying way too hard.

Good luck, and thanks for the free drinks.