That’s right folks, according to non jews and non Chinese people, another year will be in the books next week and why should I be any different than every other shit bag annoying idiot who thinks people give a shit about what they learned this last year?
So, here it is….
THE YEAR IN REVIEW IN 25 QUESTIONS OR LESS….
These questions are from some shitty self reflection bullshit people keep posting on Facebook……
1. What am I most proud of this year?
Certainly not this horribly cheesy questionnaire. What could I possibly say? I didn’t help stop starvation, or raise money for abandoned children, so anything I say will sound selfish, but, I mean, yes, I filmed my first set for television, I made thousands of thousands of thousands of thousands of people laugh at the Edinburg Free Fringe festival, I whooped John Robertson in a comedian rap battle, I was invited to host the Bright European Skateboard Awards, I was in the Anti Slam and got invited back for a third time, and so on and so on. I mean, pride isn’t my thing, but I had a really amazing year. Of course, 2014 is gonna slap 2013 in the dick on Jan 17th, when I do the greatest show I’ve ever done in my life at the Moviemento Kino in Berlin, which only cool super underground people will know about.
2. How can I become a better _____________?
Do I have to fill in the blank here? What the fuck is this for a question? Am I doing your job for you? Fine, I’ll say HATER. How can I become a better hater?
PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.
On that note, fuck this stupid question and the idiot who wrote it.
3. Where am I feeling stuck?
I can’t get my thumb out of my ass.
4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?
Grace in the kitchen, grace in the hall, for God’s sake Grace don’t eat it all. AMEN.
5. Am I passionate about my career?
I’m making things like THIS VIDEO RIGHT HERE! Does that answer your question?
6. What lessons have I learned?
Life aint nothin but bitches and money. Just kidding, that’s a rap song lyric. I’ve learned that people for the most part are jealous of anyone else’s achievements.
I’ve also learned that at least one person will read every single word you write in a stupid ass blog post, even if it’s REALLY REALLY REALLY long and stupid.
7. What did I my finances look like?
EXCUSE ME? How dare you, you stupid hypocritical fake ass pseudo spiritual year end survey. I should have known it was your mission to find out how much money I have, you gold diggin hoe. I GET IT. OOOOOH. You heard I did TV and now you wanna know where the money is so you can try to con me into those web cam chats again? Typical.
8. How big is your penis exactly in cm?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? How is this gonna make me a better person next year?
9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?
My body’s in great shape. I play about five full games of soccer a day on Playstation and I walk to and from the train station which is one block from my house whenever I leave, which is AT LEAST once a month.
My mind is very healthy. I spend over 6 hours a day on the Internet sharpening my synapses with really great informative information. Nothing like this bullshit blog waste of time, cynical garbage, I’m talking solid, brain feed. I spend about three hours a day on Facebook looking at pictures of food and make sure to get at least three or four videos of guys getting kicked in the nuts in there as well.
My soul is also very clean and positive. I spend an hour a day meditating. I clear my mind of all the material bullshit of the world and fill it with absolute fantasy, usually with the help of Youporn.
10. How have I been open-minded?
I used to get nervous and think maybe I had a problem whenever I found myself google searching “pudding farts” or “monkey rapes a frog” but now I’ve learned to accept myself.
11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?
After watching the Monkey Rapes a Frog video. I mean, I gotta be better of than that frog, RIGHT?
12. What exactly did your poop look like?
This is clearly a question for the German people.
13. How have I taught others to respect me?
Don’t tell the police, but I kidnapped this guys girlfriend, then called him and told him I would cut her foot off if he didn’t respect me. That seemed to work, he’s liked every single thing I posted on Facebook since then.
14. How can I improve my relationships?
I need to think baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Maybe that’ll work?
15. What old habits would I like to release?
Farting in public. HA HA HA, GET IT? RELEASE? HA HA HA HA. I’m hilarious.
16. Do you really think people are still reading this, how egotistical are you, you fuckin nihilistic jerk?
Well, at least one person is. I’ve learned that much. And to that person, I will say Happy Holidays. To the rest of you, who stopped reading long ago.
FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE YEAR YOU SELFISH SCUMS.