Hello world. My good friend Bobby Mair is coming to Berlin to perform some of his stand up comedy. I wanted to interview him to let you know who he is and how awesome he is, but he hasn’t returned my emails. SOOO, I decided to interview him myself. THIS IS ME, ANSWERING AS BOBBY THE NON EMAILER, but feel free to hate him for his answers anyway………….

So, Bobby, what’s up with that ugly ass beard?

Bobby:Come on man, you know how it is, facial hair is always funny.

But seriously man, what’s up with that fucked up lookin beard.

Bobby: Jesus, get over it, I didn’t email you back right away. Whatever dude, I’m a busy guy. 

What have you been doing?

Bobby: I’m trying to grow out this beard so it looks like beard and not a torn up sponge some dog has been chewing on for three days. Seriously though, I don’t wanna talk about my my beard too much because in my one hour show I have about 63 minutes of beard jokes. You know how it is, I would never ask you about your mustache in an interview. I bet you have lots of mustache jokes, right? 

No. Most of my show is about how shitty it is for people not to email you back right away.

Bobby: OK, we get it. I didn’t email you back. I’m still performing in Berlin on Feb 8^th at Weser Str 58, so maybe you better ask me something more interesting? 

You’re right, by the way, people can reserve tickets here, because it’ll be cheaper and after this amazing interview it might sell out. Anyway, last year you got to film a set for television for the first time, what was that like?

Bobby (not me): Well, actually, you know, didn’t you just film your fist set for television? For Nightwash? It feels amazing, doesn’t it? Nothing beats telling people you did television. And you, Wow, not just television, BUT, German television. I mean, what I do is great, but you got on German television doing stand up in English? 

Has that ever been done before? 

Bobby, this isn’t an interview about me?

Bobby: I know, but I just think it’s so cool that you did that, and I heard they invited you back? 

Yeah, they did. Success is a good thing, but, speaking of success, back to you and your gig in Berlin. Has television brought you any more work?

Bobby: I’m not sure, I haven’t checked my emails since I bought a mirror and spend most my days staring at my reflection wondering why my beard grows so sporadic. Maybe I should check my emails right now. OH SHIT. WOW. You know what. I think I better go, I have a few emails I need to reply to. 2,398 to be exact. Oh shit. WHOA. YES, I WANT A BIGGER PENIS! I gotta go! But no worries, I WILL BE IN BERLIN and I AM FUNNY and I WAS ON TELEVISION and I DO HAVE A WEIRD LOOKING BEARD and DID I MENTION I WAS FUNNY? Please come see my show, I’m broke and desperate and if you don’t come out I’ll be performing for three people and then I’ll go back to London to all my famous comedian friends and tell them, FUCK BERLIN, it sucks. Let’s avoid that, JA? 

Well, thank you so much Bobby! I know how busy you are, so again, THANK YOU for sharing a little of your precious, precious, precious time with us, and really looking forward to seeing you live and hopefully hearing from you soon via email.