Hey German people, how do you deal with German people?

Hey German people, how do you deal with German people?

How do you German people do it? Seriously? How do you deal with German people?

I’m just trying to put my bottles into this bottle returning machine and get my small deposit back. That’s it. It’s not that difficult, but OF COURSE the machine is full and needs to be emptied, and OF COURSE I have to go tell the person that the machine needs emptying and OF COURSE they throw a fit.

“Can you wait one minute?”

And OF COURSE the guy behind me is literally pressing up against me because he apparently believes that invading my personal space is gonna get this thing emptied faster, so he’s pressing up against me, sighing deeply in a state of verbal disappointment, all the while looking around at the ceiling as if to say with his eyes, I’m not consciously pressing up against you, I’m just minding own damn business and the universe is moving me in my righteous path and you happen to be in MY way and the universe says you’re not moving fast enough, and since you’re not moving fast enough I can just press myself against you and meanwhile, little miss throw a fit can I wait a minute is no where to be seen.

Can I wait a minute?

Apparently I can wait 20 minutes which is how long it’s taking, while she deals with all the little supermarket chores she can find to do before she gets to the the full machine, because apparently I need to suffer a little for ruining her precious life. Every bad decision she’s ever made means nothing compared to me asking her to empty the bottle machine. IT’S NOT MY FAULT LADY! I didn’t make you get this shitty job, in this shitty neighborhood with a bunch of shitty kids with mustaches demanding you do your job with their shitty German.

It’s not my fault.

You act like I just threw 400 bottles in this machine personally. You act like I’ve been saving bottles for weeks and weeks in the hope that when it fills up, you’ll be there, and I’ll get the joy of my life running over to you and saying in my worst German ever,

“Der Machine ist ful. Der Machine ist ful. Der Machine ist ful. SNELL SNELL SNELL!”

“Die Machine, and it’s spelled Maschine in German.”


It’s not my fault lady. I swear. I’m not speaking wrong German on purpose. For that matter it’s not my fault you are German.

Seriously, how do you German people deal with this shit for one euro and eighty five cents.

11 thoughts on “Hey German people, how do you deal with German people?

  1. We don’t :). Well, sometimes we do, and when we do, we always try to be as fast as possible, just to crash the machine to torture little miss throw a fit, because she ignored us and our gravely machine-is-blocked-problem the last time…ähm… yes… okay… i see the teufelskreis.. well….
    Maybe thats the true reason why nobody brings empty bottles back to the shops meanwhile every just nearly horizontal surface is covered with Pfandflaschen..

  2. I know I should not respond to a troll like you, but you are a cunt.

    How do people deal with “I am the center of the world” crybabys like you?

    1. How do people deal with crybabies like me? They follow me on Twitter, or come to one of my shows, or email me directly, or ask to buy one of my books that I haven’t even written yet or on the best of nights they put my penis in their mouths and blow on it like it’s a trumpet. Or my personal favorite, but least effective, they comment anonymously on the Internet. By the way, are the Herman who works at Lidl by any chance?

      1. ok i get it, people like you for being a dick and you use this as an excuse to act like a dick outside of your shows/books/the whore that puts your dick in her/his mouth.

        Btw, pro tip: if you don’t like a country, stay the fuck away from this country. And no, that’s not racist, that’s just common sense.

      2. I’ve got a few pro tips for you, and by the way, I do get paid to act like a dick, so yes I am a professional, I am athorized to give pro tips, I’m still unsure your real name could possibly by Ze German, although if it’s on the Internet, it must be true. So, here’s my tips for you.

        1. If you ever have to say something isn’t racist, it probably is or at the very least could be understood that way.
        (By the way, that’s more nationalist than racist. OHHHHHHHHHH HE CALLED HIM NATIONALIST. UHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHH.)

        2. You don’t have to come to this website that I paid good money to obtain. You can at any moment fuck on off. Or not, your choice.

        3. Don’t worry about me or why I act like a dick so much there’s plenty of jugglers out there for guys with your style of humor.

  3. Overgeneralization is stupid. I have never waited for more than like a minute or two for the machine to be emptied. Maybe you should switch the supermarket you visit instead of insulting all germans and coming across like Herman said: A big crybaby.

    1. I strongly disagree with you Bernd. I think overgeneralizing is fun and amazing. My favorite generalization about Germans is that they take everything literally and don’t understand sarcasm and Irony which is why I’m about to jump off this bridge right now unless you apologize for calling me a crybaby. TAKE IT BACK BERND, YOU MEANIE.

  4. unfortunately I can’t reply to your last reply anymore, maybe pay some more “good money” to whoever set up this “customized chunk themed” wordpress blog and tell him to redo the comment system?

    Anyways, you are being quite defensive for a guy so confident and famous like you. Your 700something twitter followers sure love you!

    About the anonymity, my last name is Schröder and I’m from Hamburg. Less anonymous now? What’s your point exactly?

    Oh btw, and please consider this as an honest advice from a friend you never knew you even had: if you advertise yourself as a professional troll, try not to fall for other trolls. Don’t you have something else to do anyways? Like uhm, prepare your next show, witty tweet or drink some Double Mocha Latte? love, Herman

    1. Ah, you’re in Hamburg? We should do a show there!!! The people of Hamburg will love me! I am famous and confident, most likely from my amazing Nightwash set that will be broadcast on the German television! Millions of Germans will get to see me and I will forever bask in the glory of a soon to be four digit twitter following! YES! I will crack into the thousands Herman, while you will still be a dildo.

      (By the way, I’m pretty sure it’s you, Paul, ((Or maybe it’s Jonas or Hauke (((or some other comedian)) but this has been fun. I’m skeptical after that whole MotorFM email complaint a few years back. I thought I was Eminem for second until I found out it was a joke. NOT THIS TIME PAL. NOT THIS TIME.)

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