I’d love to take this opportunity to thank Oliver Polack for inviting me to open for him at the Wühlmäuse Theater!

WOW. 500 seats. A real deal theater with a real deal history. Classic.

Wühlmäuse. CHECK.

It certainly was a once in a lifetime opportunity for a guy like me, who, according to some, does something so left field, like stand up comedy in a foreign language. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the chances of me ever getting to play a theater like that on my own are pretty slim. On the other hand, I do realize how weird it is to perform in English in Germany, it’s certainly not normal, or what anyone would expect, but at the same time, isn’t comedy working best when it’s a surprise? Aren’t the best punchlines the ones you don’t expect?

Like, “SURPRISE, I’M SPEAKING ENGLISH!”

HA HA, GET IT?

And they do. I mean, not EVERYONE, but most people do.

So a few people won’t get the joke?

Why do we focus on them?

It’s comedy, and if there’s one thing a comedian has to remind him or herself on the regular, is that it’s not about the millions of people who hate you, it’s about the 65 people who love you and are willing to pay seven euros to come see you talk about your problems for an hour on April 2^nd at Movie Mento Kino.

But you know how it is. Not everyone is gonna accept it.

A friend of mine in the audience last night overheard a woman say,

“Why is this in English? And why are all the people laughing? They’re only laughing because they want everyone to think they’re cool and think they can understand English….”

Well lady, all I can say is that they were at least clever enough to laugh in unison, perfectly on the punchlines, where surprisingly enough, native English speakers also would be laughing, so to be honest with you, I feel like if that crowd of people really didn’t understand English, they at least understand comedic rhythm, and to be honest with you, that’s actually more intelligent, as a group dynamic than everyone understanding the actual language.

I mean, shit, according to your theory, this audience is so dumb they can’t even understand the words, yet they’re so perfectly in tune with how comedy works, that they laugh, together in perfect harmony, directly at the exact laugh here point of every joke?

To be honest with you, that’s pretty cool.

And also, to be honest with you, if they’re having fun doing it, what’s it to you?

I wish everyone would just stop trying to over analyze everything, all the time. Just let it be.

This is what I do. If you like, here’s the water fountain, have a drink and enjoy it. If you’re not thirsty, or want a beer, or a cocktail, or a big fat glass of go fuck yourself, feel free to keep it moving past my water fountain. There’s no need to look around and start yelling,

“I DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF THAT WATER. GERMANS DON’T LIKE WATER. TAKE YOUR WATER FOUNTAIN TO ENGLAND OR LEARN TO PUT BUBBLES IN THAT WATER BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE GERMANS ARE USED TO. I ONLY DRINK BUBBLY WATER AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS COUNTRY PROBABLY THINKS EXACTLY LIKE I DO. I WOULD NEVER GO TO SOME PLACE IF THAT PLACE WAS SERVING YOUR KIND OF WATER, AND IF I DID I WOULD CERTAINLY COMPLAIN TO THE MANAGEMENT EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT BE ENJOYING YOUR TYPE OF WATER I KNOW IT’S BULLSHIT, THEY’RE ONLY DRINKING THAT WATER SO PEOPLE WILL THINK THEY’RE COOL, BECAUSE NO WOULD REALLY DRINK THAT WATER FOR REAL FOR REAL UNLESS THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO BE LIKE SOME STUPID AMERICAN PERSON WATER DRINKER THING AND SO ON AND SO FORTH AND EYE ROLL AND DEEP PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SIGH, ECT ECT ECT.”

And so the journey continues.