I guess I’m not really into art.

I know for a fact that I’m not into the 48 Hours Neukölln art festival and I guess I’m not into the 48 Hours Neukölln art festival because I don’t drink.

I mean, I’m sure there’s a lot of great art around, somewhere, but it’s hard to find surrounded by all these artists!

So many artists, so little art.

That should be the motto of this quote unquote art festival. I mean, sure, I passed a few empty store fronts with weird boxes, or crappy drawings hanging up, but most of the festival seemed to be hanging in front of the späti, drinking and doing some kind of revolutionary performance art entitled, “Fuck anyone who lives in this neighborhood over the age of 27.”

The best part about this art festival/street–drinking party is the theme and mission statement.

Does this party need a theme? YES IT DOES, SIR! *Salutes, like a good soldier.

The theme is courage, OF COURSE, because we’re soldiers in this battle against the evils of society and clearly it takes huge balls to be an artist and to be a part of this art scene and to find the guts to order a Moscow Mule in a bar when you hardly speak the local language. These artists have the courage to fly halfway around the world, usually on a flight from Spain where they must pack all of their intense art supplies in one carry–on bag that must fit in that goddamn little metal frame while everyone watches and scrutinizes and that pressure.

These brave, brave artists!

The mission statement is a real treat for anyone with the patience to read 600 words of the most pretentious self–serving cliché art bullshit I think I’ve ever had the misfortune of eyeing.

Imagine a group of artists standing in a circle, holding each other’s metaphoric genitals, and then imagine each of them slowly stroking each other’s sin parts until they cum a rushing river of hot sticky sex jizz all over a sheet of paper!

 There’s your mission statement.

Here’s one small splash of verbal stainage I found particularly hilarious.

“The festival is a joint initiative involving artists, spectators and other residents.”    

Well, unless that neighborhood is rented entirely to drunk twenty–something artist cunts, I don’t think I noticed one single resident. I did however notice that all the local bars were rammed to the gills, so that’s great for the local art scene and the community and social change and political, uh, ooooh, wait, wait, political, ooooooh, oh my God, change, and a place where artistic experimentation is fostered and OH YES, and the conditions under which art is made, techniques used as well as the social function that art can serve and, unusual locations beyond the beaten path host artistic activities, especially in the public realm, where artworks can be discovered, made accessible and given new uses and OH MY FUCKING GOD and artists stimulation, and foundation for art and artist COURAGE, AND BRAVERY, and OH YEEEEES, DO IT, art, streets, Berlin, NEUKÖLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLN, YES, I’M CUMMMMMMMMMMMMING, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Goodnight.