A PROFESSOR IS SUEING SATIRICAL PAPER FOR IT’S LACK OF SATIRE.

“If I wanted real journalism I certainly wouldn’t be reading the fu**ing Onion, now would I? Who the hell do they think they are with this news bullsh*t!? If you claim to be a satire, than we’re all expecting satire. And you publish real news? How am I supposed to form a political opinion if what I think is satire is the real sh*t that’s happening in my world? Jesus, it’s a nightmare. I want someone fired immediately, I want an apology, and I want compensation for my losses.”

The “news bullsh*t” that Jonathan Winders, Professor, and teacher of Media Relations 1A at Devry Institute, is so passionately bangin on about, is the Onion’s “satirical” take on the Iraq war, that was published in 2003.

Among many other facts thought to be satire, the article claims the Iraq war would produce even more hatred for the west than before the war….

“That turned out to be true!” Said Professor Winders, “And I feel sick to my stomach. I thought they were being satirical. That’s not satire. Look it up. Satire is the use of humor through exaggeration. There’s no exaggeration in this article at all. Satire is supposed to be so fu**ing over the top, pardon my swearing, but I’m pissed the f**k off. You don’t do that. You don’t tell the people, ha ha ha, let’s make a joke about things, way over the top and then boom, just suddenly start giving facts and straight up journalism. Somebody has to pay.”

Winders is suing the Onion for defamation of character, claiming the publication defiled his character, by publishing facts under the pretense of fiction, therefor giving him a false sense of self and the true nature of his opinions on the situation.

And according to this scientific chart, he may be on to something.

“I thought they were exaggerating. If I knew this was real I wouldn’t have voted for George Bush and I might not have enlisted my three sons in the military. I feel dirty. I feel horrible. I’m sorry Joey. I’m sorry John, I’m sorry Jack, rest in peace. I blame the f**ckin Onion. F**k the Onion.”