Berlin is a waterfall.

Berlin is a waterfall.

Imagine Berlin is a waterfall. I mean metaphorically, of course. I mean, Berlin is LIKE a waterfall. An awesome waterfall, flowing in a nature nook, deep in the forest, silent, except for the blast of water, showering off the mossy rocks. The waterfall shoots down ten meters or so, into a perfect pool of water, cool, and frosty, and big enough to swim in and yet, right at the mouth of the fall, there’s a cave, and an area shallow enough to stand up and hang in the waterfall, like a shower. The ultimate nature spot, romantic, and peaceful and the best part of the metaphor that I’m creating is you’re all up in that bitch, swimmin and waterfallin it up.

And it’s the groove. It’s mellow, but there’s some people there, and you know what, most of the people are cool, and pretty damn sexy, and you meet some sexy swimmer creature of the opposite sex, or the same sex, depending on how this metaphor is shaping up to perfection in your mind.

Long story short. Dope nature. Waterfall. Swimming. Sexy time. Camping out by the waterfall. Happiness for EVERYONE.

RIGHT?

Well. Now, I know you hate complaining. And I also know that “things change,” but some guy was up here at the waterfall last week and he took a bunch of pictures of the waterfall, and he went back to his town, 8 hours away from the waterfall, and he’s selling maps to the waterfall, and I guess that’s not so bad, but this other guy just up and built a floating bar, right next to the waterfall, and is that even legal? I mean, I’m not from this waterfall, so I can’t really speak on it, and I don’t even drink, but I know some people do, especially those creepy guys who just started showing up, when they heard some of the women hanging out at the waterfall swim topless, and boy it’s getting kind of hard to sleep at night, because of the all night waterfall raves, which are cool, I guess. I mean, techno, 24/7 isn’t ideal for everyone, but hey, how can you blame someone for wanting to get their dance on surrounded by some beautiful nature that, OK, is getting cut down little by little, but we need to build these luxury apartments if we want guys like Brad Pitt, or Brad Pitt to hang out here.

And it’s all good, and smile, and enjoy it, because you didn’t build this waterfall, you too just showed up one day, and who are you to tell people they can’t post blogs about how awesome the waterfall is, or tell people whatever they want to hear, like,

You don’t have to speak German at this waterfall”

or open up a waterfall tour, or waterfall pub crawl, or waterfall beer bike, or sell cocaine directly under the waterfall while eye-raping any member of the human race that has a vagina, or, SURE, walk a stones throw away, upstream and take a shit, right next the water.

It is what it is.

It’s a waterfall. Full of people no one likes, leaving trash, and breaking bottles, and buying up space, to perpetuate their own vision of what a waterfall should be, but mainly just cashing in in their own selfish way, with no worries about the future of the waterfall.

Hey man, it’s still better than that other waterfall.”

Or,

What other waterfall is there? I mean seriously, where’s the next waterfall?”

Or,

Man, are you depressed? Do you take medicine?”

I’m not depressed, I just didn’t think I’d ever see the day when people would wait three hours, pay top dollar, and act like such dicks, just because of a waterfall, when a lot of the people seem to literally hate water.

I mean, what next,

You know what? We should fill this waterfall and lake in, and build a bar/ club/ luxury apartments/ Starfucks right here, RIGHT?”

SPLASH! 

My first magazine cover!

My first magazine cover!

Congratulations to me.

Shitty Cover

In the imortal words of that other MF’er it looks like it’s gonna be a Great Day Today!

That’s right, put the Doom and gloom talk in the closet until the next fake apocalypse, because this MF, he gets down, he puts, wait, how does that even go?

I’m lost. I’m lost in Germany doing stand up comedy.

Send help! But not the kind of help that likes to drink on the streets and do drugs and likes techno, I’m afraid that help would be deemed powerless quite quickly, this city is a help eater.

But speaking of help, help is indeed on the way, in the form of some publicity for the so called English language comedy scene that is taking Berlin by storm and leaving everyone asking the question,

“wait, there’s an English comedy scene in Berlin?”

Yes, and yours truly will tell you all about it, in this months Shitty Berlin.

Front cover. Interview.

Boom.

Fame. Fortune. Women. Men. Dogs. Cars. Expensive bottles of Club Mate.

ALL DAT. 2013 is MINE MINE MINE.

I’ll be able to post the interview when the mag is out, but until then, feast your eyes on my first ever magazine cover that I unfortunately have to share with the guy who looks like me.

No one said it’s pretty, but it has arrived.

Hey Hipsters in Berlin.

Hey Hipsters in Berlin.

Alright, alright.

First off, apologies for using such a played out word like hipsters, but I wanted to get your attention and offer you some advice on what you should do with this rentable store front in Berlin, and look, it worked, here you are once again reading something absolutely not connected to whatever it is you’re supposed to be getting paid for at this particular time.

You are getting paid right now I hope.

My God, to think you might be reading this waste of the time space continuum while on your own free time just horrifies me.

Anyway, this week I have actual advice for anyone living in Berlin thinking about renting one of the many overly expensive store fronts in one of the four neighborhoods someone reading this right now might be living in.

If you are planning on making a business maneuver, please allow me two minutes of your soon to be precious time and let me recommend to you nicely, to pretty please with sugar on top…..

1. DO NOT OPEN A CAFÉ.

Go fuck yourself café people. I’m over you stupid New Zealand, American, Spanish idiots who think you can come into a foreign country and teach people how to make great coffee while raising the price a euro every three days because that’s how Starbucks taught the world it should be done.

We’re not stupid. This is Europe. We don’t need you. There’s good coffee on every block here. Go away. You’re lazy and unimaginative.

2. DO NOT OPEN A RECORD STORE OR A BOOK STORE.

I know it’s always been your dream, but give it up. I see book stores come and go and pass a new record store everyday that eventually turns into a café which is a violation of two rules.

Get over it. The Internet has stuck its cyber willy into your dream and has fucked it to death.

3. DO NOT OPEN A JEWERLY/ HIPPY STUFF/ SPIRITUAL STORE.

This is just as obvious as the three dreads on the back of your head. No one needs astrology charts. Go fuck yourself.

NOW…..

Time for the good news, because there is a plan in place and if you wanna be a true hero to all people in Berlin, what you need to do is…….

OPEN A FUCKIN ALL NIGHT DOUGHNUT PLACE EXACTLY LIKE BOB’S DONUTS IN SAN FRANCISCO!!!!

SERIOUSLY BERLIN!

YOU CALL THOSE CRAPPY THINGS YOU’RE SERVING DONUTS??

THIS RIGHT HERE IS A FUCKIN DONUT!

And stop charging two euros a donut. No one’s getting fat on two euro donuts. Fuck that. They need to be two euros a dozen. And bigger, and more sugar and fried by an old Asian woman smoking a cigarette, and 24 fuckin hours and ready to rock, and totally open right next to my house so I can go get a doughnut whenever there’s a hot girl who needs a fix!

Because donuts equals hot sexy threesomes.

TRUST ME!

THANK YOU BERLIN!

THANK YOU BERLIN!

OK, before I jump on my bike and ride 400 kilometers to Copenhagen, I just wanted to get you all together for one last little moment and try to get a grip on what we all just did.

I think many people would love to give me all the credit for that amazing show we all had last night, but I would say, not so fast buddy.

It was the atmosphere that made it special. The vibe in the room was so full of energy it felt like I could have walked on the air through the crowd, looking down on everyone.

I was floating for sure, and you, the supportive friend made it happen.

THANK YOU!

For one night in Berlin, I was as delirious as Eddie Murphy. I was killing them softly like Dave Chappelle.

I chewed em up like Louie.

Then I sang a song and left. But not without feeling the love.

Thank you so much to everyone who’s supported me for four years of stand up comedy, and thank you to everyone who came out and enjoyed NO DIGGITY!

 

It was a smash!