My first magazine cover!

My first magazine cover!

Congratulations to me.

Shitty Cover

In the imortal words of that other MF’er it looks like it’s gonna be a Great Day Today!

That’s right, put the Doom and gloom talk in the closet until the next fake apocalypse, because this MF, he gets down, he puts, wait, how does that even go?

I’m lost. I’m lost in Germany doing stand up comedy.

Send help! But not the kind of help that likes to drink on the streets and do drugs and likes techno, I’m afraid that help would be deemed powerless quite quickly, this city is a help eater.

But speaking of help, help is indeed on the way, in the form of some publicity for the so called English language comedy scene that is taking Berlin by storm and leaving everyone asking the question,

“wait, there’s an English comedy scene in Berlin?”

Yes, and yours truly will tell you all about it, in this months Shitty Berlin.

Front cover. Interview.

Boom.

Fame. Fortune. Women. Men. Dogs. Cars. Expensive bottles of Club Mate.

ALL DAT. 2013 is MINE MINE MINE.

I’ll be able to post the interview when the mag is out, but until then, feast your eyes on my first ever magazine cover that I unfortunately have to share with the guy who looks like me.

No one said it’s pretty, but it has arrived.

My first stand up gig in New York City!

My first stand up gig in New York City!

A taste of New York City.

They say there’s magical powers in the water of New York.

The magic water is what makes the bagels so good, and also what makes the bagels
magical, and apparently, if you eat enough magic bagels, magic things will happen to
you, like you’ll be able to afford rent in New York city.

Well, let me tell you something. It’s clearly true, because I ate a bagel, and now I’m a
famous comedian.

That’s right. It’s on. You know it works, one minute I’m a dumpling eating nobody, the next I’m invited
to perform, that’s right, in New York City, and with none other than this guy!

Whoa. He’s on TV, so clearly I will be now as well, and you know what that means! Money for nothin! I’m gonna be rich and powerful, and probably get to meet Kati Perry, even though I spelled her name wrong, she won’t even care, that’s how famous I am!

Damn. I performed with Ben Kronberg. It is so on. You know it. Don’t bother calling me, I will ignore you.

Wow. Stand up comedy in New York.

Wow. I crushed it so hard too, it was like I was Arnold and the world was Lou Farrigno,
and the show was a cyber version of Pumping Iron and I was just laughing, because it was just like cumming (this will look weird if you don’t know Pumping Iron or watch that clip i just linked, so do it asshole.) and I am the comedy
version of mister universe, and Ben Kronberg was high fiveing me, even though fiveing
isn’t even a word, and I was done, and then Billy Wayne Davis face humped the crowd with the collective joke penis we in the industry like to call punchlines.

And guess what? he’s got a beard too!

Man, we killed it everything bagel style. None of this plain shit, we brought out the poppy seeds and stuffed em in peoples laugh holes, even though that doesn’t even make any sense.

Look, long, boring story short, I CRUSHED IT IN NEW YORK CITY and the crowd was chanting…..

Guy with glasses…….we never met!
Guy with glasses…….We never met!
Guy with glasses…….We never met!

And they did the wave and a guy with a mohawk crowd surfed.

And I swear to god, the show wasn’t cancelled because of some CMJ music industry bullshit,
because why would anyone in their right mind cancel a comedy show for some dumb
music shit, because people can have music all day and night, but how often does a Jewish
guy with glasses and a moustache do a comedy set in New york? I swear, it wasn’t
cancelled, it was the opposite actually, the bar had Radiohead scheduled to stop by for a

surprise jam, but then said, WHAT???? You can get Mother Fuckin David Deery up here,
and he’s been eating magic bagels?

FUCK RADIOHEAD AND MUSIC AND CMJ AND MUSIC AND EVERYTHING,
WE WANNA SEE THE RZA OF THE STAND UP GAME DO HIS MAGIC WHILE TWO GUYS WITH BEARDS DANCE NEXT TO HIM AND THEY ALL DO SOME MAGIC HO DOWN ACID RAIN DANCE WHILE THE GRATEFUL DEAD PLAYS OVER THE SPEAKERS.

And I did. I laid em out, then I went a stuffed a piece of pizza in my face in like three
seconds, because that’s what Louie is secretly telling us to do when you crush it in
New York, because we all know there’s absolutely no fuckin way Louie eats that slice
BEFORE he performs. No way. What the fuck? Is he like, “Oh yeah, need some energy
for my gig at the Comedy Cellar, I better slam down this huge slab of cheese and
carbohydrate board.”

Ah, New York.

Shit, I’m starvin. It’s BAGEL TIME!

THANK YOU BERLIN!

THANK YOU BERLIN!

OK, before I jump on my bike and ride 400 kilometers to Copenhagen, I just wanted to get you all together for one last little moment and try to get a grip on what we all just did.

I think many people would love to give me all the credit for that amazing show we all had last night, but I would say, not so fast buddy.

It was the atmosphere that made it special. The vibe in the room was so full of energy it felt like I could have walked on the air through the crowd, looking down on everyone.

I was floating for sure, and you, the supportive friend made it happen.

THANK YOU!

For one night in Berlin, I was as delirious as Eddie Murphy. I was killing them softly like Dave Chappelle.

I chewed em up like Louie.

Then I sang a song and left. But not without feeling the love.

Thank you so much to everyone who’s supported me for four years of stand up comedy, and thank you to everyone who came out and enjoyed NO DIGGITY!

 

It was a smash!