WARNING! THIS POST IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO WATCH BREAKING BAD.

Please do us all a favor and shut the fuck up about Breaking Bad.

Thanks to Bill Simmons continuously raving about how great Breaking Bad is, and how much it’s like The Wire, I decided I would have to carry on and watch this series, even though I’d givin up on it after Walt MYSTERIOUSLY just WALTZES into a drug lord’s headquarters and collects his money with nothing more than the threat of dropping a so called exploding crystal on the ground.

GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE, THE GUYS A FUCKIN HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER!

So I’ve been catching up the last few weeks.

Now, before I start going off, I gotta tell you guys that Bill Simmons is one of the reasons I do this blog. He inspires me. I like him. My dream is that he’s reading this post right now, so I can casually say to him,

FUCK YOU BILL SIMMONS, I WANT MY TIME BACK, YOU FUCKED UP ON THIS ONE!

Comparing Breaking Bad to The Wire is like comparing that piece of shit soccer league they have in the States to the British Premiere League.

THEY KICK A BALL. (They sell drugs)

THEY KICK A BALL INTO A NET. (The police chase them and people die)

IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME THING. (It’s JUST AS GOOD?)

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

The Wire was well thought out, researched, had great acting and GET THIS, BILL, NO COINCIDENCES.

Jesus Christ Bill, how the fuck does,

A. Walt end up in a bar with that retarded junkie’s father after he LEAVES HIS JUNKIE DAUGHTER ALONE WITH THE HEROIN AND NEEDLES after demanding she go to rehab right then and there, HE JUST WALKS AWAY AND LET’S HER SHOOT UP ONE LAST TIME? And for that matter, how does SHE, the junkie, choke on her own puke, but Jessie, the rookie, manage to live, and also, HOW DOES JESSE MANAGE HIS METH HABIT SO WELL IN THE FIRST THREE SEASONS? THE FUCK? HE’S GOT 4 POUNDS OF METH UNDER HIS SINK AND HE’S SMOKING METH LIKE ONCE A DAY? HUH? WHERE ARE THE TOOTHLESS WHORES, THE PARANOID STREET LURKERS AND PEOPLE RIPPING HIM THE FUCK OFF ONCE WORD GOT OUT THAT HE HAS FOUR FUCKING POUNDS OF METH?

(Sorry, back to the list)

B. Jesse meet AND FUCK the sister of the little kid who shot his friend? Not only did the kid shoot Jesse’s friend, but he also happened to tell his sister about it? And then his sister  JUST COINCIDENTALLY happens to tell Jesse, ONE WEEK after they meet, that her little brother murdered someone?

DIOS MIO, BILL. This show has more holes than Augusta.

Fuck this list, it’s way to long. TOO MANY COINCIDENCES.

But hey, let me tell you guys this, while I’m at it.

A FLY CAN NOT INFECT 40 POUNDS OF METH. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

“But come on man, it’s just a show. Don’t take it so seriously.”

I’m not, ASSHOLES. YOU ARE. ALL OF YOU. You won’t shut up about it. You won’t stop tweeting about it and changing your Facebook profiles to something about it. You won’t stop telling me how great it is. You can’t wait to tell me what happens, even though half the time it’s so fucking obvious, because anyone with any sense of a writer’s mind will just think, OF COURSE HIS WIFE GETS INVOLVED, BECAUSE WE NEED PLOT, NOT REALITY. EVERY GANGSTER’S WIFE GETS INVOLVED. EVERY METH DEALER’S WIFE COULD OBVIOUSLY LAUNDER MONEY BETTER THAN A PROFESSIONAL SCUMBAG LAWYER.

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

(Bob Odenkirk is the only character I like on this shit show.)

Breaking Bad is Bad at hiding the plot lines.

The Wire is a beautiful masterpiece of character arcs. The Wire is without a doubt the best television show ever written, because it accomplishes something that other shows, LIKE BREAKING BAD, can’t do.

It keeps it real.

Which Breaking bad DOESN”T DO, OR CARE ABOUT. So many times. So many fucking times thing happen that wouldn’t happen.

OH, Police guy WITHOUT a gun kills two cold killers who have guns?

SUUUUUUUURE.

Kid who’s making 1.5 MILLION dollars making meth, steals a little here and there from cold hard killer meth king pin? 1.5 MILLION? Steals 15 Grands worth of meth? THAT HE CAN MAKE HIMSELF?

HA HA HA HA HA!

Walt’s DEA brother in law notices NOTHING. THE FUCKING BAG OF MONEY? COME ON. COME ON. THE BAG OF FUCKING MONEY? SERIOUSLY?

And so on and so on and so on.

My girlfriend has it right. She knows how this whole thing ends.

Suddenly we find out that Walt and Jessie and The Chicken guy are all on an island, and out jumps John Lock and whoever those other losers were from your OTHER greatest show, LOST, that everyone has forgotten about, because, like Breaking Bad, it was plot drivin, and cheap, and in the right here, right now, PAY ME mode.

Go back and watch Breaking bad in 5 years. You’ll see. It’s shit. You like it now, because you’re bored.

With shows like that on TV, I can’t blame you.